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MyReflection (struggle with PPD)

I woke up this morning with some serious emotion stirring in my heart. Aside from posting a piece I wrote forever ago that was in my draft box, I haven't posted in a long time.

As I was saying, my mind has been wondering all over the place today.  I feel as if I might burst with everything I'm feeling.  I wonder why at times God puts such profound things on our heart...a battle of sorts that I must forge on with in order to figure out the outcome. I can't place the feeling, is it longing, sadness, peace or is it the feeling of being reconciled with past things that I lacked understanding for that I now can let rest? I don't know the answer.

Last week I was searching for a balance in who I am as a mom and who I am as an individual.  I felt left behind by my old self.  In this season it seemed only natural to focus on my three little ones  (since I wrote last we welcomed a baby girl into our family, a post to come).
G is in kindergarten, J is in preschool and C is getting that time just being in my arms all the time. I wanted this season to really focus on each of their stages and absorb every experience with them.  But I started to feel like I disappeared, if you will.  I didn't feel adequate or like I was enough for my husband and my little ones...I soon realized that these feeling  were due to a very real struggle, I had/have mild postpartum depression. I'm so thankful that it hasn't been severe and that I have an incredible husband that is understanding and extremely involved.  I'd be lying if I said its passed but the truth is that it hasn't. Just enough missed sleep or a rough day and I feel like I'm back in the trenches..lets be real, being a parent is like being the ring leader of the circus of your own making.  It's wonderful, don't get me wrong and as Ive said before..I'm so thankful for every season!! BUT this was different!
Last week I was feeling funky, so when a friend reached out and asked me to attend a luncheon for a truly amazing organization I said yes immediately. I thought this might be the thing I needed to get plugged back in and feel like I serve a purpose aside from just being a mom.  We got the boys off to school, I planned C's morning nap perfectly, I thought, and I began getting ready.  I quickly found out that dressing myself for this event was no easy task.  My wardrobe was pre-third baby and things (body parts) were accentuated more than what I was comfortable with. Many outfits later I realize that I was out of time and needed to be on my way to the event.  C still hadn't woken from her nap and any mom knows its stinks to have to wake your baby that is sleeping so peacefully.  I threw on a dress and went to get C ready to go.
I got to the venue to find that I didn't know anyone I was seated around and that I couldn't eat any of the food provided because of a food allergy.  I felt like there was a spotlight on my back, I was uncomfortable and wanted to run out of there.
Thankfully, C needed to nurse so I went out to the lobby(they didn't have a nursing room), and fed her.  Afterward, I stood in the lobby chatting with another mom and then I left. I had enough!! As I was getting in the car I realized that my dress had come unbuttoned down the front of my abdomen and no one thought to tell me...I was mortified!!! So now its coming up on the time that I need to start the whole "school pickup" routine, I ran home to change quickly....thats when everything fell into place for me!!

I couldn't get my torn and holey jeans on fast enough---I  could breath again!!! I felt whole, I felt safe, I felt like me.
Thats when I realized that I never lost myself(or disappeared), I simply redefined who I was in this season.  And thats perfectly ok! Torn jeans and t-shirt have become my comfort, while getting dressed up is fun, I allowed myself to feel like I vanished, I was unworthy and that I wasn't pretty because right now getting ready for my day consist on throwing on whats comfortable--I allowed myself to think that what I do everyday isn't valuable or important! And, well....thats the biggest lie!!! What we do as moms may not be glamorous, it may get lonely at times and God knows it beyond tiring...but I wouldn't want to be doing anything else! Raising children is a gift!


(I just found this in my drafts folder and SO SO wish I would have posted it, but I was struggling for real ya'll and this little jewel that I wore was my self therapy.  It can be many others therapy, and thats why I'm posting it now...almost a year later!!!)

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